Losing one's mind at 6 years old involves the following steps:
1. Sneaking out of bed at 10:00pm.
2. Breaking into the desk in my office.
3. Stealing about 15 Sharpies out of the drawer.
4. Taking these Sharpies back to bed.
5. Drawing all over his stuffed animals.
6. Lying about 1-5 to his dad when he was totally busted.
His first answer to the question, "How did these Sharpies get into your bed, after we explicitly had a conversation about this only two days ago?" was the perennial favorite: "I don't knowwww."
His second answer was, "My kids did it." [He has imaginary pupils in his imaginary classroom, of which he is the imaginary teacher.]
Bryan asked him to have his kids come show him how they got the Sharpies out, and when Declan plaintively said his kids couldn't move because, hello, they were all in his head, Bryan jumped on him like a rabid version of Matlock: "WELL, THEN THEY COULDN'T HAVE MOVED THE SHARPIES, THEN, COULD THEY?"
All the while, Bryan had started removing items from his room as punishment. First came the soiled stuffed animals. Those poor Build-A-Bears. I am sure they REALLY appreciate the addition of nipples and a belly button, but I did not. Of course, I was hiding out in my office live-tweeting the whole event, because there was NO WAY I could be as calm as Bryan. That man is like ice. Unflappable. Declan never stood a chance.
Bryan waited and waited for Declan to admit he was lying. See, lying is one of the biggest no-no's in our house and we had known Declan was skirting the truth lately - but this was the first real, full-on GOTCHA that we could draw that line in the sand over. Well, again, it was Bryan drawing that line. Since I was sheepishly hiding in my office. So Bryan was making the BIG DEAL and was willing to wait as long as it took, on a school night, for Declan to admit the truth. He never called Declan a liar, just kept saying he wanted to know what happened. And read a book while Declan wailed on the floor. I told you. ICE.
The kid tried various other versions, including the fact that the MUPPETS did it... but finally, over an hour later, he cracked. Wailing, with his head in his hands, he screamed, "Dadaaaa. I just rememberrrred. IIIIIIIIII did it. It was meeeeeeee."
Thank the LORD. I was tired of sitting with my ear to the door.
The boys hugged, talked about the importance of the truth, how hard it is sometimes to admit the truth after you lie, and decided consequences were for the morning. Consequences that involved a stack of stuff from Declan's room that was about 5 feet tall.
Because after that, we were ALLLLLLL ready for bed.