Do you know GraceD? I have always loved her Twitter name because if you make the "D" lower case it's "graced."
Have you seen her Community Keynote presentation from BlogHer this year? Prepare to be emotionally humbled.
As for me, I was more like emotionally staggered.
The tears started burning in my eyes when she talked about hating May - June. See, until I gained a loving father-in-law and had a reason to celebrate Father's Day, I had always circled around that particular holiday with my eyes narrowed, wondering what was so great about it anyway.
Why did I hate Father's Day?
OK, deep breath. I am going to come out and say something I have only hinted at before on this blog.
I was sexually and emotionally abused by my father.
Here's the rub, I don't remember a lot of it because of a condition called disassociation. But I promise, there's enough there to really mess a person up for pretty much the rest of her life. Even given the fact that my father died when I was 11, and I have, luckily, and thanks to a lot of hard work by my mom, lived a normal life since then.
Before then wasn't so great for us.
All things considered, we limped out of there pretty OK.
Enter my night terrors. This I have talked about pretty frequently. But in a nutshell, I used to have huge, grandiose, screaming, flailing night terrors where I was a harm to both myself and my husband. I used to have these night terrors several times a week. I wasn't sleeping. Bryan wasn't sleeping. This had gone on for a decade.
I finally found a therapist several years ago because we were starting to sleep in separate beds. That may have worked for Lucy and Ricky, but not for us. I had found a wonderful man to spend my life with - and I wanted to, well, spend my life with him.
I assumed the night terrors were related to my dad, everything always was, right? So we talked. And talked and talked. And I felt better. I understood more. I forgave. Not my dad. ME. I listened to Grace before Grace even entered my life. My dad is still in purgatory with me, but at least I don't hate him anymore. Hate wastes so much of your energy; I just was so tired of hating him.
My, the night terrors didn't stop. So off I went for the weirdest night of my life, and finally turning to the crazy meds. In the three years since starting taking them - I have had TWO, count 'em TWO, full-blown night terrors. Compared to the several per week I used to have, I'll take those odds and I will take my pills. We're kicking post-traumatic stress in the ass.
As I watched Grace's presentation, though, I was mezmerized. I ticked off on my hands all the things she mentioned that I struggle with. Towards the end, I was smiling through my tears, thinking, SHE GETS IT. She really understands.
And that's why I decided to post today. To let Grace and other victims know I GET IT. I understand. I am here for you if you want to talk in the comments or privately (aimee at greeblemonkey dot com).
There is also an AMAZING site run by Maggie Dammit for victims of abuse called Violence Unsilenced for people to share their stories and be there for each other.
So, thank you Grace, and Maggie, and my therapist, and my family, and my friends and my amazing husband for helping me make the steps on this journey and feeling pretty OK at this end of it. THANK YOU.
Have you seen her Community Keynote presentation from BlogHer this year? Prepare to be emotionally humbled.
As for me, I was more like emotionally staggered.
The tears started burning in my eyes when she talked about hating May - June. See, until I gained a loving father-in-law and had a reason to celebrate Father's Day, I had always circled around that particular holiday with my eyes narrowed, wondering what was so great about it anyway.
Why did I hate Father's Day?
OK, deep breath. I am going to come out and say something I have only hinted at before on this blog.
I was sexually and emotionally abused by my father.
Here's the rub, I don't remember a lot of it because of a condition called disassociation. But I promise, there's enough there to really mess a person up for pretty much the rest of her life. Even given the fact that my father died when I was 11, and I have, luckily, and thanks to a lot of hard work by my mom, lived a normal life since then.
Before then wasn't so great for us.
All things considered, we limped out of there pretty OK.
Enter my night terrors. This I have talked about pretty frequently. But in a nutshell, I used to have huge, grandiose, screaming, flailing night terrors where I was a harm to both myself and my husband. I used to have these night terrors several times a week. I wasn't sleeping. Bryan wasn't sleeping. This had gone on for a decade.
I finally found a therapist several years ago because we were starting to sleep in separate beds. That may have worked for Lucy and Ricky, but not for us. I had found a wonderful man to spend my life with - and I wanted to, well, spend my life with him.
I assumed the night terrors were related to my dad, everything always was, right? So we talked. And talked and talked. And I felt better. I understood more. I forgave. Not my dad. ME. I listened to Grace before Grace even entered my life. My dad is still in purgatory with me, but at least I don't hate him anymore. Hate wastes so much of your energy; I just was so tired of hating him.
My, the night terrors didn't stop. So off I went for the weirdest night of my life, and finally turning to the crazy meds. In the three years since starting taking them - I have had TWO, count 'em TWO, full-blown night terrors. Compared to the several per week I used to have, I'll take those odds and I will take my pills. We're kicking post-traumatic stress in the ass.
As I watched Grace's presentation, though, I was mezmerized. I ticked off on my hands all the things she mentioned that I struggle with. Towards the end, I was smiling through my tears, thinking, SHE GETS IT. She really understands.
And that's why I decided to post today. To let Grace and other victims know I GET IT. I understand. I am here for you if you want to talk in the comments or privately (aimee at greeblemonkey dot com).
There is also an AMAZING site run by Maggie Dammit for victims of abuse called Violence Unsilenced for people to share their stories and be there for each other.
So, thank you Grace, and Maggie, and my therapist, and my family, and my friends and my amazing husband for helping me make the steps on this journey and feeling pretty OK at this end of it. THANK YOU.
Labels: Sleep
66 Comments:
With a post like this it's hard to think of what kind of comment to add. So here goes:
I love you and am thankful to be with you on this journey.
That was a good one. :)
((HUGS)) you are so strong and so loved.
Can I have a clone of Bryan? Glad you made it through Aimee! Your strength and character are admirable.
Erika in Ark.
I wish I could be as strong as you are.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I'm always in awe of you, my friend. Loving you from Seattle. xoxo
Brave and strong you are.
it is hard to think of the words...
so i'll just tell you that i think you're brave.
well done.
I so love you.
I'm proud you pushed through, proud you shared this to help others and proud to be your friend.
I get it.
Wow. I didn't know. You are one brave cookie and I admire your strength and perserverance. I hope you do too.
I greatly admire your courage. I hope that by forgiving yourself and sharing your story, you will inspire others to forgive themselves too.
Much love to you, my friend.
Aimee,
Thank you for sharing all you do.
It is so comforting to know that you are not alone...to know that someone was and is dealing with the same issues you are.
I think it is time to forgive myself.
No words. Appreciation? Yes. Long-distance hugs? Definitely.
Look at you! Standing before the world and telling your truth! And, all of us stand up and applaud your courage and self-forgiveness.
It's breakthrough time, dollin. You also know from your precious but difficult life that it's often two steps forward, one step back. But, that's okay because you are moving steadily forward, reclaiming yourself and loving yourself.
Again, as I mentioned in my email to you last night, we are sisters, true sisters. I stand with you in solidarity and deep affection.
Love,
Grace Davis
Brava!
rachel
Much love and admiration to you (and Grace, and Bryan, and Maggie ... )
Holding your hand. That was amazingly brave.
Huge hugs, Aimee <3
It's amazing to me what you guys are willing to share.
No, thank YOU.
I commend your courage to share and your bravery to live like nothing will keep you down.
hugs!
I can't even express how thankful I am to you, and to people like Maggie and GraceD, for putting it out there.
May the abuse that ties us all together not be the one thing that holds us back. Ever.
To you, my friend, to you.
Sister. Let's keep kicking that PTSD ass. And forgiving ourselves.
And, yes, the goddesses incarnate of MaggieD & GraceD!
you, my dear, are awesome.
I love you and Bryan together. I'm so glad you have the support you need.
Thank you for being so open with us. I know that is hard. Love you, hon. Always.
This is so brave and raw and loving to post this. I am awed and loving you from afar.
You are brave.
And Anonymous? the second one? I think you're on your way. Baby steps.
I appreciate having people like you speak for me. I get it too.
I think you are an amazing person and thank you for sharing your story.
You are on your way.
Much, much, much love from someone who is happy to call you my friend.
brave you, embracing all that you are. I think that is how this life is supposed to be, and you are not alone. gratefully with time comes more skills to learn and live a fuller life.
Wishing you the very best.
you are lovely and gracious damn if you don't have me teary right now. So thankful that life these days (and nights!) is so much more peaceful. The joy in all you do radiates.
Thank you so much. This post means more than you will ever know. I only wish I could be so brave.
I don't know how to adequately thank you all.
BUT: THANK YOU.
I love you. That's all I gots.
I love GraceD, for shedding light on such a taboo topic. And I love you, for sharing your story. There are so many of us out there.
Here's to forgiveness - in the end, it really is easier than holding onto the hate. I'm still working on forgiving myself. Once I have managed it, I'll work on letting go of the rest of it.
Thank you!
You are so very strong.
You are one of those people that came out the other side and made something of your life. You didn't use it as an excuse to be fucked up. You are amazing for that alone.
But then to add up all of the other things that you do so very very well ... well that just makes you amazing times four-thousand.
{And sorry I said fuck in response to an emotional post like that}
I do not know what to say...I usually read and go about my business but when someone pours it out there like this, you can't not say anything. So here I am sending you hugs.
You have come such a long way and I am so proud of you. It takes so much to reveal so much of yourself, i can imagine the lightness your soul must feel. Congratulations. We are there for you - always.
Thank you guys for speaking for others.
You are like steel forged in fire, Aimee! So powerful.
Wish I could be there to give you a hug...Love you, Mar
What an amazing journey. Glad you have good people around you.
Amazing post that will help so many people. Thank you!
I've been doing a series of posts regarding Child molesters, and have a long way to go in finishing the series. It is my hope to help folks understand it is WAY more common than they want to beleive.
hugs for you!
I'm always amazed and grateful for those that have the courage to speak up when so many struggle to find their voice or words. Thank you Aimee.
Hugs from home, Aimee. We love you. I only wish i had known back then so I could have helped. I am so thankful you were a part of my childhood, and so PISSED that you got hurt. I have known you longer than my own sister and my heart aches for what was, but you have grown into such an amazing woman, the mind boggles. Congratulations on your hard won victory.
JennyMoose
HUGE (hugs) Aimee. <3
Diane
I just found this, Aimee, and had to add to the love & support comments. Silence is the enemy, and you are a warrior goddess my dear. I've just this weekend been dealing with the ripple-effect of sexual violence in my family, and am incredibly touched by your candidness. It's healing to read.
I sat there, in person, through the community keynotes, and cried and cried and cried. Grace was amazing.
I love you Aimee. You are a wonderful friend and a glorious human and I am so proud of your strength.
Whatever we need to do, as humans, to make our lives better, to forgive and to move forward, we must embrace. We cannot stagnate. You are making all the right choices to live your life despite your past. We only get one shot. We have to make it our own and own it.
Aimee, you are so brave. Your honesty helps a lot of other women - even in different situations. Thanks for the trust to share with us. You rock!
Melissa
Much love and admiration goes out from me to you.
I finally got a chance to read this. And I never comment, but I just had to. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so important for those who have not found the courage to share theirs to know they're not alone. (hugs)
That took guts to say, Aimee. I'm sorry that ever happened to you.
You are amazing. I would never have known. I was blown away by Grace's speech as well and am so glad that there are people like you and her in the world to help heal the children and adults who have experienced the unthinkable.
Thank you so much for sharing this -- I'm sorry I'm a little late to the post. Why is it that we feel like we can't talk about these things because we must be the only one they happened to? And why do we think it's our fault and not their? Thank you for posting your story and the video of Grace. Now, I need to work on that forgiveness of me thing.
I don't know you. I've never read your blog but I think I've seen you on Twitter or maybe we have some mutual friends. I actually popped over here via a comment you left on another blog.
And I'm glad I did. I know how hard it is to come out publicly on your blog as an abuse survivor and I know what its like to feel like the term "survivor" is sometimes very loosely used.
Its a tough road we find ourselves on but whenever I turn around and see one more person on it with me, I feel a little bit stronger.
what a voice.
you are brave & beautiful!
thank you for being so strong...
and "getting it".
♥
Thank you for sharing this... it's a... amazing post, can you say that about such a subject? Thank you for telling the world that there is hope after tragedy. You are a wonderfully strong person.
You are awesome.
I too was sexually, emotionally and verbally abused by my father. The whole family is happy he is dead.
I'm so, so proud of you. Love you babe.
Very courageous of you and THANK YOU!
I get it too and I think self forgiveness is key in healing.
My father has passed away and resides in purgatory with me, as well.
Thank you for sharing your story. Amazon sucks.
I'm always amazed that people can carry so much. You see them and you can't tell all they have been through and how it has affected them.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is only by being honest and open that we can learn what to do and how to stop abuse.
I do so adore you. I'm proud to call you friend. You amaze...
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